Dinner with Bernard
by cgaussie01
Summary: 'Win a dinner date with Megamind' what could possibly go wrong? A few things, it seems.


Megamind sat at the table of the restaurant, twiddling his ungloved fingers together. He hadn't felt these kinds of nerves since he had started going out with Roxanne back when he wore the Bernard 'suit'. He glanced around at the surroundings he was in, the mood lighting, the burgundy colored walls and the beautiful chandelier hanging above the tables gathered... he really felt out of his element. Wondering why he had agreed to place himself in such a situation in the first place, the alien groaned as the memory flashed up in his mind as if he was picking out scenes of his life on a DVD.

There he had sat in the mayor's office, the balding man having explained the situation to the new hero of the city. It had all made perfectly good sense at the time, yet still Megamind had sat back in his chair and gone,

"What?"

"Basically we want you to be the prize in a competition." the man held up his hands, reading a sign only he could see. "Win a date with Megamind! The public will love it! Your popularity will sky rocket, the entry fee will go to rebuilding Metro Tower! It's a win-win situation."

"But how can I go on a date with somebody I hardly know?" Megamind asked.

"It isn't a date date, per say," the mayor explained as he got out from behind his chair and walked to his large window and stared out across at the Megamind Museum that now reflected on the body of water that separated the two landmarks of the museum and the city hall. "It's more two people gathering, one which is incredibly famous and highly sought after, and the other a poor individual finally given a chance to rub shoulders with somebody famous!"

Megamind paused in consideration, stroking his goatee as he thought it through. "So no holding hands or kissing involved?" he asked, "Because let me tell you I'm keeping a pretty little lady over on the East side and I _don't_ think she'd appreciate me going on a date with anyone if kissing is expected."

The mayor coughed. "Quite. No, there won't be anything remotely romantic about this date. It's merely to help raise much needed funds _and_ to help boost your positive image to a whole city who, frankly, still find it a little weird to see you as the good guy now since the unfortunate loss of Metro Man." the man paused, sniffing feebly and looking past Megamind longingly at the City Hall seal still embedded on the floor which showed Metro Man's dashing figure.

"Hm. I see your point." Megamind said after a moment before smacking his hands onto his knees before standing up. "All right Mayor, I'm in! Win a date with Megamind is a go-go!"

"Wonderful! Now I just need you to sign these contracts," the man suddenly pulled out a pile of paper work and slid them across the table to Megamind, handing the blue alien a pen as he did. "Initial here, signature here, date, full name in block capital letters here, tick here..."

Megamind, tongue poking out the corner of his mouth, did all what was asked of him. He signed, dated, crossed, initialled, and signed again until the paper work was pulled away from him and shoved into a blue large envelope.

"Now the result of the competition will be available within three months time. We'll contact you with a date, time, and where to be for the date to commence." the mayor had smiled pleasantly, and Megamind had smiled back, shook his hand in thanks and had left the building.

Course, Roxanne wasn't at all that pleased when she learned about the contest. How could she be? Megamind was her boyfriend and she didn't take to the idea of somebody going out with him, even platonically, for a one time only date very well at all.

"You're doing _what_?" she demanded after he had explained it to her over dinner up in her loft that evening. She was sitting on the lounge, a half empty plate of lasagne on it while Megamind was sitting against the couch while on the floor, his plate completely empty and all but licked clean.

"Relax, I don't have to kiss anyone." Megamind said soothingly, reaching out and petting her hand affectionately. "It's just a chance for some poor pitiful soul to get a chance to rub shoulders with the new hero of Metro City. Now how, in what way, could this be a bad thing?" he asked.

"Well for one it could be a crazed stalker who wins. Or, say, one of the Doom Syndicate guys? What if it's a man?" Roxanne asked.

Megamind paused in thought, bottom lip sticking out as he did so. "...but it's win a date with Megamind, why would a man want to enter?" he asked.

"Well, some men might WANT to rub shoulders with you!" and rub more then just that, but she didn't voice those concerns. Megamind was fairly naive when it came to most things, and she wasn't entirely sure if he even know about men liking men. Then again he had grown up in prison, no doubt he might have been witness to a few 'alternate' situations in there. But if he had, he certainly knew how to keep it buried deep down inside.

"That's true..." Megamind mumbled, stroking his goatee. "Some curious about how I keep such a striking figure, or where I get my gear from or out right curious about my weaponry! Why should I deny a man that opportunity, Roxanne?" he asked.

She sighed heavily, but smiled either way. "You're right. If anything I wish I could win, so that I could get to go on that special date with you all over again and not have it ruined by realizing the man of my dreams was the man of my nightmares." Roxanne smirked.

"Maybe you COULD win." Megamind said, eyes widening. "It's all going to be managed electronically, so I can't see why I couldn't add in a little program that would make it so you win."

"I was kidding about the whole me winning it thing..." Roxanne started,

"No it'll be perfect! While everyone else can enter, in the end it turns out to be you! Then we can enjoy an all expenses paid meal at that classy restaurant and not have to worry about picking up the check! Ohhhh Roxanne!" he was up and off the floor moments later, arms wrapping around her shoulders affectionately as he pressed a few smothering kisses to her temple while she tried to not drop her dinner in her lap. "You're such a genius! Sometimes I forget you're a human, you're so smart!"

"Uhhhh..."

So now here he sat, three months later, anticipating the arrival of Roxanne. Already he had a large bunch of red roses, her favourite, and was wearing his fancy male perfume. Instead of his regular spiked and studded leather get up he was wearing a fancy black suit, white shirt, and blue tie which had his patented lightning bolt at its end. Humming to himself he tapped his free hand on the table before looking at the clock.

The winner, Roxanne, would have been alerted to their winning the prize that morning. To keep the excitement fresh she would have been hurried on to the hair salon to get her hair styled, make up done and to a clothing store that would give her the gown she wanted. The mayor had really gone all out on the prize, which had made millions of people enter for the opportunity to be pampered then spend the evening with a hero. Too bad, he had thought, that it was going to be Roxanne who won.

All around him people were enjoying their meals, talking quietly, sipping champagne, and generally having a good time. Already four tables had asked him for photographs and or signatures, and being in such a great mood Megamind had agreed. Now that the shock had worn off, he was just like every other person in the restaurant awaiting his or her companion to arrive to join him.

"Mousier," a French sounding waiter approached the table. "I am just letting you know that-"

"Roxanne is here?" he asked eagerly and got to his feet since it was customary to do when a lady enter the room (he had learned that from a book Minion had given him, 'How to be a good Boyfriend' and it held many important tips and even a list of dates you had to remember like birthdays, anniversaries, and so on and so forth). Megamind grabbed up his roses and stood there waiting eagerly to see her walk in wearing something stunning no doubt.

Instead along came another waiter showing someone to the seat opposite Megamind. It wasn't Roxanne. In fact, it wasn't even a woman. Instead of Roxanne following the waiter was a man who Megamind recognized instantly. It was the same face that had stared back at him from reflective surfaces for well over a month, those blue eyes, those round-rimmed glasses and that hair that looked like it was related to Einstein...

"Bernard?" Megamind asked.

"Oh good." Bernard said dryly as the waiter, awkwardly, pulled out a chair for him. "So good to see you had my name right for all that time you stole who I was." his voice was so depressingly slow, unenthusiastic and devoid of any emotion it was like Megamind was talking to a robot. Yet still the alien stood there, holding the bunch of a dozen red roses, and didn't know what else to say.

"For me?" asked the bespectacled man, looking to the glasses. "Oh. You shouldn't have." he said dead pan before reaching across, grabbed the flowers, tossed them to the floor before sitting down opposite him and making a point of making sure he dragged the table legs across the polished hard wood flooring as he did so.

Megamind continued to stand there, a look of horror and shock embedded in his features.

"Bend your knees, make a lap, and then sit." Bernard prompted, gesturing to the table. "Unless you want to give me whiplash and have me stare up at you all night."

The alien promptly sat, hands digging into the table. "What are you doing here?" he blurted, not too quietly either.

"Well that's just rude." Bernard replied as he took a menu from a waiter, "I'm your date for the evening."

"But you're not Roxanne!" Megamind whined.

"Well good to know you can tell the difference between a boy and a girl. Here I was worrying over your knowledge of the human anatomy but I can see that you at least know the basics. That, or you can tell other people apart from Roxanne." Bernard sneered as he opened up the menu and began to look over the list.

Megamind didn't know what to think. Roxanne was supposed to win, he had implanted that bug into the city centre computer system! If Roxanne hadn't been chosen as the winner of the competition, then just what had she won?

~*~

"Jury duty?" Roxanne, having arrived home from an early morning news report that morning and opened her mail, exclaimed as she saw what was awaiting for her in the City Hall stamped letter. "I hate _jury_ duty!"

Then she realized. Tonight was Megamind's dinner date. He had told her he had put the virus into the computing system so that Roxanne's entry would win. But if there had been a mix up and instead of going to dinner with Megamind she had won a day in jury duty, then who on Earth had won a date with her boyfriend?

Was it somebody hot? Cute? What if Megamind got drunk? What if he was so naive he couldn't understand being taken advantage of? What if he ended up in some strange woman's bed, or worse a man's, and making the noises only she could get from him? The idea filled her with rage and she had torn up the jury duty letter and immediately called Minion on her phone.

~*~

"Well don't you look all dressed up." Bernard said as he leaned forward in his chair, hands to his chin. "I never would have imagined you'd know how to properly tie a tie."

"Minion tied it." Megamind blurted before realizing how bad it was that his fish knew how to do a necktie yet he did not. He shook his head quickly. "So, so you wanted to win a evening with me?" he asked shakily.

"I'm here, aren't I?" Bernard asked before reaching for a glass of water and picked it up. "Though I would hardly call it was because I wanted to win. I felt it would be fair. After you stole my body and lampooned around town with it as if you hadn't temporarily put away with me, I think it fair."

Megamind groaned. "It was only meant to be temporary."

"Then why is it I woke up in your washing machine _three months_ after the explosion at the Metro Man Museum? With three months worth of bills, unemployed, my apartment keys changed because I hadn't paid my rent, and my partner thinking I had broken it off to go chasing Roxanne all over town?" Bernard asked, and while anyone else would sound angry, hurt, or frustrated that all of this had happened the man in the tan suit continued to sound bored and nothing else. "Even my parents were calling me, and they almost _never_ call me, because they thought I was dead?"

The alien swallowed dryly, and rubbed at the back of his neck.

"Do you know how much my mobile phone bill was?" Bernard asked.

"No..." Megamind started.

"Six. Thousand. Eighty. Five. Hundred. And. Two. Dollars." Bernard spelled out slowly, punctuating every syllable by tapping the table with his fingers. "And twenty three cents."

"Oh jeeze. Well you see Roxanne tended to text me a LOT so I just-"

"Some of the phone records were for phone calls lasting _seven hours._" Bernard reminded him.

"Ah, yeah... um. Yeah. So... uh. Unemployed, huh?" Megamind asked weakly.

"Well for one you kind of blew up my place of employment. It's hard to be employed somewhere if it doesn't exist anymore." Bernard pointed out. "Unless I became chief manager of Metro Man rubble. Which I somehow, magically, did not become. So I had all of this happen to me just because what, you didn't want Roxanne seeing you in your tasteless pyjamas?"

"They are not tasteless!" Megamind snapped back, eyes flashing angrily. "They're made of Egyptian cotton and tailor made! Minion was up all night making them!"

"And here I thought all stores carried sizes for stick thin aliens." Bernard said dryly. "Be honest, that _is_ the reason behind why you turned me into a glowing blue cube and hid me in your pyjamas for months. Because you didn't want her seeing you in your night things. You ruined my life because of embarrassment. You're pathetic."

"I am not pathetic! It was a serious matter! You don't have the woman you've been kidnapping for years see you in your pyjamas! It would ruin the whole horrifying image she had of me!" Megamind said shakily.

"Horrifying image? The woman was practically falling asleep the last time you kidnapped her." replied Bernard in a matter of fact tone. "Face facts, she was getting tired of being your kidnap victim. She was bored with you."

Megamind glared across the table at the man and wanted so desperately to pull out his De-Gun and turn him into a dehydrated cube but he was fighting the urge with every ounce of his body. He wasn't a bad guy anymore, good guys don't turn people into cubes. Plus, Bernard had a point. He truly had destroyed this man's life, because of his actions Bernard had lost his job, lost his apartment, apparently his partner thought he was cheating on them and on top of that a six thousand dollar phone bill still awaited his return.

As well as interfering parents.

Why hadn't he thought about this back then? He had never realized how selfish his old self could be. He owed this man this dinner, he owed him so much because if it wasn't for him he never would have gotten as close to Roxanne as he had. Never would he have known the joy of being hugged, laughed with, riding a bike through the city parks... he wouldn't know what it was like to kiss a woman either. He owed it all to this miserable shell of a man who sat across from him.

"Could it be my words are making their way through?" Bernard asked, since Megamind had fallen very quiet and fairly still in his seat.

"Hm." Megamind slumped as a waiter arrived, note pad ready to take their orders. "I see your point. How can I make it up to you, everything I did?" he asked.

"You'll see." Bernard replied as he turned to the waiter and began to order.

~*~

Outside the restaurant, next to a fire hydrant, sat a car. It was like many other cars in existence, it had an engine, breaks, clutch, muffler, wheels, an a trunk, passenger seats, pedals, a wheel, even a car freshener hanging from the rear view mirror. The one thing that made this car different from any other car in existence was the fact it was invisible. Inside the car sat a woman in red, and a fish in a gorilla suit.

"Oh my god." Roxanne said as she held a pair of binoculars to her eyes. "You'll never guess who it is!"

"Who is it, Miss Ritchi?" Minion asked from his place behind the drivers' wheel and doing his best to sound interested. This wasn't how he had wanted to spend his Saturday night. They were having a a Desperate House Wife marathon on tonight and he had wanted to sit up and veg out, watching it. Instead here he was in the invisible car spying on his boss on a date sitting with his girlfriend. It was all very annoying, not to mention confusing.

"Bernard!" she gaped, turning to look at Minion but not before lowering the binoculars. She jumped, seeing Minion suddenly so very close, and lowered them quickly. "It's Bernard, _he_ won the contest!"

"Bernard?" Minion echoed before snapping his metallic fingers, making a loud clunk noise as he did and sending a few sparks flying. "Oh! You mean the man that the boss pretended to be while he was gradually learning human compassion with you?"

"Yes, him!" Roxanne turned and held up her binoculars again, peering at the two. Bernard was saying something to Megamind from across the table, and from the look on Megamind's face it wasn't anything good. But then again when had Bernard _ever_ said anything positive in his life? She had known him in high school and even back then he was a depressing individual and usually avoided the rest of his student classmates like the plague, and they them. The two had gone on to different colleges and hadn't run into each other again until she was doing more research into Megamind and Metro Man and had come across Bernard as the leading man who knew most about the two aliens more than anyone else combined.

He had been just as enthusiastic back then, in high school, and she only really met him when she had a question about Megamind, or Metro Man, that she herself didn't know. Bernard was a professional, a smart Alec, and a sour puss. It wasn't a good combination.

"Awww... Minion, Megamind bought me flowers...!" Roxanne just noticed the flowers on the floor. But she growled when she suddenly saw Bernard mention to a waiter to pick up the flowers and take them away. The waiter did, only after eyeing the roses a moment, and Roxanne watched him with her binoculars until she could see him no more since he vanished behind the employees' only door. "Where's he taking my flowers?" she asked, before suddenly getting out of the car and slamming the door after her as she did.

"Miss Ritchi!" Minion gasped, watching as the woman ran around the back of the restaurant, vanishing down an alleyway. What if the boss saw her, or anyone else? The fish sat there nervously at first, and just as he was about to exit to follow the woman she was back, clutching the flowers.

"The bastard was throwing them out! My roses!" she gaped in horror before holding them in her hands. They weren't Bernard's to throw away, or that snooty waiter either. Megamind had bought them, expecting her to be the one sitting across from him tonight. So, by rights, they were hers.

"Uh. Oh, how horrible." Minion stammered nervously.

~*~

"How about I get you a new job?" Megamind asked.

"I don't want a new job." Bernard replied as he sipped his champagne. Already the bottle was empty.

"So what do you want? You know there's openings at the Megamind Museum, I could get you your old job... no wait, you could become head curator! In charge of the whole thing!" Megamind gestured wildly with his hands. "A big pay rise! Dental! A puppy! Anything!"

Bernard lowered his eyelids and gave Megamind a good hard look, before putting his glass down firmly.

"You don't understand. It's not about getting me a new job, a new apartment, or anything. It's about what you took from me. I may not be the most chipper person on the planet, but it was my life. I was happy." Bernard said.

"I doubt that." Megamind shot back before he could stop himself.

"I don't have to show when I'm happy." Bernard replied back just as quickly. "What I feel is my business and nobody elses'. I was happy with my life. I had a decent job even if I hated the stupid guests and their pathetic questions. I had a great apartment that was big enough for me and when my partner came 'round. My parents stayed out of my life. Now it's all gone. Now my partner won't answer any of my phone calls. My parents call me every other day to make sure I haven't been cubed or kidnapped. And now I'm in a job I truly, truly despise._Librarian._"

"What kind of questions?" Megamind asked.

"Huh?" Bernard, caught off guard, tilted his head and raised an eyebrow.

"What kind of questions did they ask you? The people, at the museum?"

Bernard sat there, before something that quite possibly could have been a smile (or a weird facial tick) crossed the man's face. He shook his head, looking away. "Like if Metro Man had sex with a human woman would his semen shoot out so fast that it would go through her like a bullet."

Megamind sat there, stunned for a few seconds, before he burst into hysterics. He laughed loudly, and slammed his hand down against the table as he did, uncaring of all the strange looks he was getting from those around him and most definitely unaware of how Roxanne was watching this all from the safety of his invisible car. "Oh, oh, oh, ow my, my sides...!" he wheezed, wrapping his arms around himself as he bent forward, forehead almost touching the table.

Across from him Bernard watched the alien practically break a rib from laughing so much, and gave out a low, dry chuckle in response before stopping himself.

"Yeah. I was asked that a fair few times."

"W-what did you tell them?" Megamind asked, wiping tears away from the corner of his eyes.

"That no matter what he should wear a condom." Bernard replied, which sent Megamind into a fit of hysterics all over again. Once upon a time the idea of Metro Man having sex with anyone would have sent Megamind into a fit of disgusted noises and groans at the horrid mental images popping up in his mind. At this moment though it was the most hilarious thing in existence, imaging him with a woman then her being ripped apart because of his orgasm. Horribly hilarious.

Bernard sat there, a satisfied kind of smirk on his face before he leaned forward, resting his head in his chin. "So I guess Roxanne never did sleep with him. That, or he pulled out in time."

Megamind stopped short, before smirking and pointing a finger at Bernard. "Ah ha, she told me on good authority that she and Metro Man were never a couple." he said.

"But did she tell you that they had never slept together?" Bernard asked, one eyebrow slowly making its way up into his hair.

"Isn't that the same thing?" the blue alien tilted his head as his finger slowly lowered, his expression that of a very confused individual. Sleeping together meant that you were together as a couple, right?

The human male chuckled dryly but sat up straight when a waiter brought out a fresh bottle of champagne and set it in the ice bucket. At the same time another waiter brought on the appetizer, some soup and garlic bread. "You do know that people can, and do, sleep together while not being romantically involved right?" Bernard asked.

Inwardly, Bernard was loving absolutely every second of this. He had spent years studying the dynamics of both Metro Man, Megamind and Minion. How could he not, ever since Bernard had been a child and had first been told stories about aliens he had been obsessed with them. Then, to have learnt that there were aliens battling each other in his backyard? It was like a dream come true for the young child so he dedicated his life to studying and understanding every aspect of them he could. Physicality, what made them tick, their habits, attributes, any and everything he could learn about them. So to be sitting here opposite somebody who he had dedicated half his life to studying and learning far more from this interaction then reading police files and records was beyond a dream.

He was just a master at hiding his emotions.

"They _do_?" Megamind asked, both intrigued and disturbed at the same time as he scooted his chair closer, eyes wide. He picked up his spoon and began to eat, listening to Bernard as if he held the answers to the universe.

"Just because Roxanne told you that she and Metro Man were never a couple doesn't mean they didn't the horizontal dance together. Or any kind of dance with him, that whole flying ability must really spice things up." Bernard murmured more to himself, stroking his chin as he thought about it in great detail.

"But she told me!" Megamind spluttered, clearly flustered and upset. "She told me they were never a couple!"

"The day she tells you that she never slept with him, that's when you can put your hearts at ease." Bernard shrugged. "Gives you a lot to think about what else she might have left out, doesn't it?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

Megamind sat there, hands gripping the table and mirroring the same expression a child might have at learning that Santa, the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy and the jackalope was all make believe. Could Roxanne had slept with Metro Man in the past and just never get together for a lasting relationship? The idea horrified him, to imagine Metro Man with Roxanne like that. Then, horror upon horror, did he measure up to Metro Man? Metro Man had that stamina that could last forever if it wanted to, he would never get tired or winded like Megamind tended to do from time to time.

"Oh my. Have I touched a nerve?" Bernard asked before spooning some soup into his mouth. "How unfortunate."

"You did that on purpose!" Megamind accused, going so far as to point a finger at the man again. "You're trying to get back at me for everything I did to you! Admit it!"

"I admit it. Now what?" Bernard asked, grabbing some garlic bread and dipping it into his soup. Judging by the blank expression on Megamind's face, he had really gotten to him. Spotting an idea growing in the man's eyes Bernard continued, "And you can't stop the date since you are obligated to spend at least four hours with me. So no sneaking away, or I shall complain loudly to the local media who would surely love any reason to drag your name through the mud and claim you've fallen off the wagon of good and gotten back to your bad ways."

Megamind sat there, feeling like he was trapped inside a box that was slowly closing in on him. He couldn't leave, he couldn't yell at Bernard, and he couldn't turn him into a cube either. The only other time he had ever felt so trapped was when Tighten was taking control of the city, and he had felt as though he had no other option but to go home to prison and live the rest of his days in there.

"So, how are you two getting along anyway? I feel as though you owe me to tell me since you did use my face to get close to her." Bernard said before taking another bite of his soup drenched garlic bread.

"Technically it wasn't just your face she ended up caring for. It was me." Megamind said quietly, "She opened up a whole new world for me that I didn't think I could ever partake in before. All my life I've lived on the outside looking in on everyone, never before had I ridden a bike, or gone for a walk in the park without people screaming in panic and calling the cops on me. With Roxanne, she showed me... showed me that I could be accepted. I never thought it could be possible before."

"Yeah, with _my_ face. You came to rely on my face, and that alone. Without it, what happened?" Bernard asked, scooting his table closer. "Tell me."

He could practically hear the air hissing out of Megamind as he began to slightly deflate in his chair. "She... dumped me. Alone. In the rain."

Bernard had a self-satisfied smirk on his face and went back to eating, and said nothing more on the subject.

~*~

"What's he doing in there, what's he saying...?" Roxanne said through gritted teeth. Megamind was sitting at the table across from Bernard and he looked absolutely heart broken. "Look at him, he looks miserable."

Minion leaned closer to her to peer out through the glass of the restaurant and easily spotted Megamind and Bernard. The fish frowned at just how upset his boss, and friend, looked. "He certainly doesn't seem his usual chipper self." he commented.

"This date's going down the crapper. We need to get him out of there." she said as she set the binoculars down. "But how?"

"But Miss Ritchi, he's obligated to complete the date! If not it would breach his contract with the mayor." Minion gasped, looking shocked that she would suggest such a thing.

"How do you know that?" she asked, looking at him with a narrowed eye.

Minion opened the glove box and pulled out a blue folder with 'copy' stamped over it. "I've read over the legal small print in the paper work that Sir signed and if he doesn't complete the date with Bernard he shall have to pay a forfeit fee that includes the meal, the clothing hire, _and_ the limo."

"Limo! What limo?" Roxanne asked, grabbing the contract out of the folder and flipped through the multiple pages.

"At the end of a date a limo will pick them up and take them on a drive through the city and down to the bay. I believe Sir had it added on when he believed that you would be the one to win the competition." the fish explained as he turned to the page of the deal with the limo hire company.

Roxanne sighed affectionately, knowing that Megamind had gone to so many lengths to try and make this a great day for them. She would have been treated to the hair salon, make up, pedicure, dress hire, a beautiful meal by candle light with her boyfriend and then a limo drive through the city. Instead here she sat in the invisible car watching the most depressing person on the living earth making her boyfriend just as depressed.

"How much would it cost him?" she asked.

"Well over ten thousand dollars. And since Sir got rid of all the money he stole while he was in control of the city, we barely have two pennies to rub together." the fish reported, which only made Roxanne hiss in pain at knowing the price would be so high. Either way she hoped Bernard was enjoying his thousand-dollar champagne.

~*~

"This stuff tastes like piss." Bernard said as he smacked his lips together, tasting the champagne. "What is it?" he asked.

"I don't know." Megamind shrugged as he reached for the bottle and poured himself a glass full and set it back down.

"Whoa. Are you meant to drink?" asked Bernard, watching as Megamind lifted the glass to his lip and took a good long sip of the alcoholic beverage. "Your body weight is so fair accompanied with your height if you drink it goes straight to your head."

"You sound like my mother. Er. What my mother would sound like." Megamind said, before taking another drink of the champagne and smacked his lips similar to how Bernard did, then licked his lips quickly. "I don't know where you got the idea of tasting like piss, unless you have some experience tasting it?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

Bernard, surprisingly, flushed. "No, I haven't."

"HAH! Then you can't compare it to it! Snap!" Megamind grinned triumphantly and finished his drink in celebration before setting the glass down and swayed a little in his seat. "Whoa... this stuff works quick..."

"Yeah. No more champagne for you." Bernard, not wanting to have a drunk alien life form on his hands for the remainder of the night, reached for the bottle but Megamind's hand reached at the same time and their hands met on the bottle. The contrast of the cool bottle and the alien's smooth, warm skin was a striking contrast and Bernard for once didn't have a dry, witty, or sarcastic comment to make. Megamind held his hand over Bernard's for a moment longer before slowly withdrawing, whining as he did.

"Ohhhh... fine..."

Wanting to wipe his brow but fighting the urge Bernard snapped his fingers to the waiter and had them take the bottle of champagne away before asking when the main meal was coming out.

~*~

"That's it. I'm going out there." Roxanne said, tossing the binoculars away.

"Miss Ritchi, we can't! The whole place is booked and what will Sir think knowing that you had me follow him here to stalk him? It would be like you don't trust him!" Minion gasped, reaching out to grab Roxanne in case she leapt from the car again.

"It's not him I don't trust, it's Bernard!" Roxanne replied. "This isn't the date that Megamind planned for, so I'm going to put a stop to it."

"No!" Minion leapt forward and grabbed her around the torso and pulled her back to him easily, and the woman fussed and snarled, kicking her feet and waving her hands and demanding he let her go. "We can't go in there looking like us!" the fish said as one of her hands smacked his glass dome. "If, if we use the watches to make ourselves look like a waiter we could get in there and keep a closer eye on Sir and Mr Bernard, how about that? Is that good?"

Roxanne paused, one foot ready to kick the glass out of the invisible car's passenger window.

"...Minion that's genius!"

~*~

"So answer me something, I've always wanted to know. Were you aware of things while a cube?" Megamind asked, no longer swaying in his seat and now drinking nothing but sparkling water.

"Don't you know?" Bernard asked.

"Hrmm..." Megamind tapped his chin in thought. "For... the brief second I did it to myself I felt myself falling... landing in the water and I knew to have my hands out to grab the gun. But I figure because of my alien body structure and brainpower I was aware of my surroundings. What about you, as a human?"

"I was aware of enough. It was like... being blind, mute, my arms and legs bound and I could feel just enough." Bernard explained. "I could hear. That much I was aware of." he said before smiling in an odd little way that Megamind didn't like at all. A face like Bernard's did not suit smiling at all, it was like seeing a dog walking on its back legs properly and smoking a cigarette. It was just wrong.

Then he realized why. Bernard, the cube, had been in Megamind's pyjamas. He would have heard him talk with Roxanne as they left the museum, the explosion of the museum and anything that happened at night following that explosion. And let's just say the things Megamind did in his pyjamas at night was private, not even Minion was aware of it.

His face lit up to a bright purple color just as the waiters delivered their meals. The one handing Megamind's his just stood there after bringing it to him, and watched him with his clear blue eyes. Megamind realized the staring and looked up at the moustached man, eyebrow raised despite his purple cheeks. "Yes?"

"Oh. Uh. Sorry." replied the man gruffly and walked off quickly, fully ignoring a patron who was trying to wave him down to order another drink.

"Do enjoy your meals gentlemen." said the second waiter in a voice, which seemed a little familiar to Megamind but with his mind swimming with alcohol and embarrassment it simply didn't register. The waiter smiled warmly at them both and walked off, this one pausing to take further orders from those around him unlike the first.

Bernard looked down at his meal of cooked salmon on a bed of sweet mashed potatoes and some steamed vegetables on the side. Megamind, meanwhile, had a sirloin steak with vegetables and gravy. Naturally the food was the freshest in the city, everything picked, or killed, that day for maximum freshness. Picking up his half glass of champagne Bernard held his glass up to Megamind.

"To the company we keep. Be them alien or human." he said.

"Hm." To company." Megamind picked up his own glass, full of water, and they clinked glasses together before taking a sip and started eating their meals.

"Okay that's one cosmopolitan, two gin and tonics, three pina coladas and one strawberry coke." Minion, still in his disguise of the fair-haired waiter, said as he was reading off a list to the drinks man behind the bar who nodded and started making the drinks requested. Standing besides Minion was Roxanne, of course still in her disguise too.

"Look at them." she said under her breath, "Did you see him before, he looked like he was ready to crawl under a rock." Roxanne bit at a knuckle as Minion glanced over his shoulder.

"I think Sir is conducting himself very well to be honest. He hasn't drawn a weapon on him once yet, nor shouted at him." Minion admitted, "And seeing how this is his first date with a man, especially this man, that's quite an accomplishment."

"It's not a date." Roxanne hissed quietly. "Think Roxanne, think..." she gnawed at her fingers before noticing Minion taking the tray full of drinks. "OH! Here, let me!" she insisted suddenly, all but ripping the tray out of Minon's hands.

"Ah, s-sure? The cosmopolitan is to table twenty-four, the two gin and tonics to table forty two, one pina colada to table three and-" he didn't even get through his order since Roxanne was away and walking directly towards Megamind and Bernard's table. Minion stood there, confused, for but a minute before he all but saw Roxanne's plan unfolding before him. She was going to up tip the tray on one of them! Imagine the cleaning bill! "Miss Ritchi, wait, wait!" he hurried after her in an attempt to stop her but he was too late.

The tray went flying, drinks went spilling, and they landed on Bernard. Shouting in dismay Bernard stood back, his hands up trying to shield him from the damp cold the drinks brought on though he was already too late. Megamind, eyes wide in alarm, had gotten to his feet too and was moving around the table to get to Bernard as the head waiter rushed over.

"Oh my God I am so, so sorry!" he apologised profusely, glaring down at the waiter who had fallen over and was still on the floor. "Pick up that mess immediately Harry! What is-oh good, Louis. Good, help this idiot clean up his mess!"

'Louis' was there in seconds, kneeling besides 'Harry' and was picking up the broken glasses and putting them back on the sticky wet tray, all the while giving 'Harry' a stink eye.

"Well. Nobody ever said I was high in spirits. I guess they can say otherwise now." Bernard said as he rubbed his hands over his jacket, trying to get the dampness off.

"Come here." Megamind grabbed Bernard's arm and led him from the room at alarmingly quick speeds. Bernard, startled, could do nothing more than to follow him while Megamind walked him through to the gents' bathroom.

Once inside they made their way up to the fancy sinks and Megamind grabbed a face towel and dunked it under the cold water. "Best get out as much of the liquid as we can now, less it will become sticky and disgusting." the alien said as he turned to Bernard and began to wipe down the front of his chest with the cloth.

"Hey, hey, hey." Bernard shifted, trying to get away but found himself unable to do so. "Stop it, it's only a rental."

"All the more reason to make sure it isn't absolutely ruined." Megamind shot back as he now wiped at his stomach. "Stupid waiters, it's as if the floor was made of wax or something."

Bernard said nothing as he watched Megamind get down onto his knees in front of him and was now wiping the wet face towel over his lap area. The door to the mens room suddenly opened and Bernard looked over his shoulder, knowing just how strange this must look from this angle, him standing there stock still and Megamind kneeling before him with all attention to his groin. The waiter at the door was the headwaiter and he stood there in awkward silence for a moment before he realized what, or what wasn't, happening and walked in.

"Gentlemen I must apologize again for the unfortunate incident out there in the dining hall. The young gentleman shall be taken aside and scolded forthright, have no worry." he insisted.

"Well good." Megamind said as he got to his feet and wrung out the alcohol smelling cloth in the sink before running it under the tap again. "What kind of crazy establishment is this? I expect to get at water theme parks, not a restaurant with six stars!" the alien turned and jabbed his finger in the headwaiter's chest. "You understand me, buddy?"

All the while Bernard silently watched this, and wondered why Megamind was being so defensive. He had been spending the entire evening so far making the alien uncomfortable and thinking about the kind of things nobody would want to and yet here he was... what... defending his honour? Because of why, a clumsy waiter? He wasn't sure what to think of the situation, since he hadn't anticipated this kind of action at all. While Megamind and the headwaiter continued to talk he made his way to the hand dryer and stood under it as best he could to dry his clothes.

He didn't stink of alcohol so much now, but he still felt a bit wet so it was best for him to dry himself off.

"-free of charge. Or I go and tell the mayor what kind of crazy heads you have working here." Megamind was finishing off.

The head waiter looked apprehensive but at the same time he didn't want his precious restaurant falling under scrutiny because the hero of the city, Megamind, would tell them about foolish waiters acting in incorrect fashion when around him. It would lower the rate on the establishment and he couldn't, and wouldn't, allow this to happen. If this would mean handing over a free bottle of their finest red wine and make the meal free of charge and not send the thousand dollar bill to the mayor then...

"I understand, Mr Mind." the waiter finally said, straightening out his bow tie. "I shall see to this straight away." and with that he left, leaving a huffy Megamind in his wake.

"Yeah you better!" Megamind called after him.

"Done being chivalric?" Bernard asked from his place by the hand dryer, the machine still humming pleasantly as it blew hot air on him.

"Huh? Oh. That. Well. I didn't pick this place so waiters could go throwing drinks at us. Seriously I think that guy was drunk or something! There wasn't anything for him to trip over at all!" Megamind said holding his hands out. "Shoddy service that's what it is. So I talked him into our meal being free, a free bottle of red, and we can get the Hell out of here."

"Out of here? Why, where do you want to go?" Bernard looked back down at his hands, not wanting to focus on the alien too much less he was blushing for reasons he didn't want to comprehend.

"I dunno. All I do know is I have a limo out there and it isn't going to drive itself. Well. Wait. That's not true, it IS going to drive itself but there's a chauffeur there so it isn't really driving itself. I've just had enough of this place. It isn't my kind of place at all." Megamind found himself rambling and stopped himself, obviously the emotions of the moment coupled with the alcohol still flitting through his system was making him uncomfortable and a little off balance.

Bernard let out a dry laugh, and smoothed out his front to learn the stickiness of it all was gone. "Sounds like a plan."

~*~

The limo was black and it looked fairly new, it even smelt of that new car smell when he stepped inside, closely followed by Megamind. Behind him the waiter who had dropped the drinks was apologizing but he claimed he hadn't done anything wrong in the first place. No doubt this would mean a payment dock for him, or worse.

"Could they make these things any more ridiculously huge?" Bernard asked as he looked at the interior of the limo. "I know cars are basically advertisements for how big a man's dick is but this is ridiculous."

Megamind, if he had been drinking something, would have done a glorious spit take. Since he wasn't, all he could do was look gob smacked at such a statement. "They're what?" he asked as he grabbed a bottle of water from the side bar inside the limo as the engine started up.

"You didn't know? Most big things owned by men are meant to compensate for the size of their dicks." Bernard said as he fiddled with some buttons, watching which button did what. He discovered the light dimmer fast enough, the tinted windows that could open and shut to divide them from the driver, the television, as well as the radio volume control knob. "A car, a building, size of their tie... any and everything."

"Is that why you don't wear a tie?" Megamind asked, looking to the man's chest to only see the suit shirt and no tie.

"I hate ties." Bernard said dryly, "They're little nooses and as far as I'm concerned I'm not suicidal enough to wear a permanent noose around my neck."

The blue alien blinked, then looked down at his tie. After a moment he promptly undid it and tossed it aside on the leather upholstery as if expecting it to come to life and wrap itself around his neck like a boa constrictor. Bernard snorted.

"That's the ticket."

~*~

"I can't believe you did that Miss Ritchi!" Minion said as he and Roxanne left the restaurant under cover of their own appearances, having turned off the watches. "Spilling all those drinks on Mr Bernard like that!"

"Oh he deserved it. Besides, it's not the worst thing that's ever happened to him." Roxanne replied as they stepped outside from the alley and looked around. The limo which they had seen pull up was now gone. "Darn!" she said, clenching her fists. "We missed them!"

"Oh well." Minion shrugged as he pulled out the keys to the invisible car and clicked them, the car obediently beeping and becoming visible enough to be seen. "Guess we don't get to stalk them for the remainder of the night after all." he said as he began to head back to the car. "On the up side, the date is over half over! In an hour and a half it'll be over."

"A lot can happen in an hour and a half." Roxanne muttered as she followed him. Now, just a little, she felt foolish. Why had she been so jealous? Megamind wasn't interested in Bernard like that, this was just a stupid contest. They could always have what happened tonight happen to them again, at least everything not including the drinks ending up in anyone's lap.

"Miss Ritchi," Minion turned to look down at her. "Sir cares about you very much. He loves you. You need to stop thinking that he's going to run off with the next person who would show him some kind of compassion. Because if what you told me about Mr Bernard is correct, he's fairly incapable of showing compassion or affection to anyone. Sir will come to your apartment tonight, once the date is over, apologize over you not winning then tread you to late night churros."

Roxanne couldn't help a small smile creep onto her face before she leaned forward and wrapped her arms around the gorillas' torso, shutting her eyes as she did and rested her head on his metallic chest. "No wonder you're Megamind's best friend. You always know the right thing to say to diffuse a situation." she said.

"Well not all the time. But enough times to make it count." Minion smiled, "And thanks." he gave her a small hug back, not wanting to dare hug her too hard less he hurt her. "Now come on, I can still catch three more episodes and a half of Desperate House Wives if we hurry!"

~*~

"Really, even back then she used to hang out with him all the time?" Megamind asked, nursing a glass of red wine and lounging besides Bernard in the back of the limo, the sky roof open and the two of them staring up at the sky as it continued to pass over head as the driver just kept driving around town.

"OH yeah." Bernard said with a nod. "Roxanne and Metro Dude. They were like that." he held up a hand, crossing his fingers.

"Wrapped around one another permanently?" Megamind asked, eyes wide.

Bernard scoffed, nudging the alien's shoulder. "Hardly. I mean they were close. She was always interviewing him for the newspaper and the early morning reports that they showed through the schools. Everyone thought they were dating, up until graduation. The two went to all the parties and dances together, how else could he assume so much? Bleh. High school. How I hated it." Bernard took another drink of his free wine.

"I would have hated it." Megamind said absently.

"Oh yeah... you didn't attend any schooling since you blew up that old school house." Bernard mumbled.

"I didn't blow it up. I set off a paint bomb. Then Metro Boy flew away with it. It wasn't me who destroyed it." Megamind pointed out as he lifted a hand, rubbing his forehead. "From then on out I taught myself through curricular books and courses through the mail. No grade school, high school, or college. Everything I achieved I did inside those prison walls."

"Yeah? Hmm. I knew that." Bernard commented with a smirk.

"How do you know so much about me again?" Megamind asked, "Roxanne once called me, er, you, an expert on all things Megamind. How does somebody study for that?"

Bernard shrugged. "I like aliens. I've always been fascinated by alien life, the idea of life unlike our own being out there in the stars since no way in Hell can Earth be the only miserable planet in the whole of existence that can support life." he gestured to Megamind, jabbing his forearm as he did. "Lo and behold not one, not two, but three aliens end up in Metro City. There's whole scientific groups committed to singular parts of your being. It's insane."

"And you, you, the least excitable person on this planet, is the fore front in all of it?" Megamind asked, unable to grasp the situation at all.

"That I am." Bernard replied.

They sat in relative silence, and Megamind narrowed an eye in thought.

"You know, I think I'll take you up on it." Bernard announced suddenly.

"Take me up on it?" Megamind asked, turning his head to peer at Bernard from the corner of his eyes.

"To get me a job in the Megamind Museum. I'm sick of working in a library and putting books away on shelves. I want to be answering stupid questions again. I want to be in charge of displays and talking people through it. I want to be in charge and have dental and no longer living on a salary so small it makes a gnat look impressive." Bernard smacked his knee, as if he was stamping something for approval.

Megamind suddenly wasn't sure if he could do that or not. Surely he could pull a few strings, inform those who ran the museum who Bernard was and what had happened. Make it feel as though he was doing something nice for niceness sake, rather then returning something he owed. He was sure after a few phone calls he could work something out, and he certainly knew Bernard's phone number now after seeing it etched to the underside of that mobile phone for months.

He nodded, and was about to speak when the phone besides him suddenly rang. It made both men jump in surprise, and Megamind reached over and answered it. "Ollo?" he asked, a habit he seemed incapable of breaking when answering the phone. Roxanne had called it cute, so it had stuck.

"Excuse me Mr Mind just letting you know time's up, I'm going to be driving us back to your date's residential address now." said the voice on the other side of the glass.

"Oh. Good! You do that. Yeah. That." Megamind said and hung up. "Well that's it, times up."

"Already? Huh." Bernard said as he sank back in his seat and finished his glass of red wine quickly before pouring one more. They had enough time for one more drink, or at least he did.

They had just properly sat on the leather seats and buckled in when the driver came to a stop outside a block of flats. Megamind fumbled with his seat belt, much like Bernard did, and opened the door and climbed out. The weather had turned surprisingly cold and he could see storm clouds on the horizon, the biting chill he could feel through his body told him rain was well and truly on the way. Bernard clambered out of the car, carrying the now empty bottle of wine, and began to walk up the small set of steps to the front door.

Megamind followed, glancing around the neighbourhood. It was better then where Hal used to live, but it was still some way from the centre of the city since he could just see the Metro Tower in the distance.

Bernard stuck his keys in the front door before turning and peered down at Megamind who was standing on the steps. The two observed one another for a moment before the human broke into a somewhat genuine smile and then snorted.

"What is it?" Megamind asked, arching an eyebrow suspiciously.

"I guess it's true what they say." Bernard said.

"What's that?"

"That time flies. When you're having fun." explained the man.

"You were having fun? When? You were insulting me or when the waiter-"

His words died on his tongue since he suddenly found his mouth occupied. Bernard had grabbed the collar of his shirt and had suddenly reeled him in, and was now kissing him. The alien's eyes were wide with shock, his body frozen in its place, as he felt the man's warm, alcohol smelling, mouth press in against his own. It was over in a second and Bernard stepped back, a confident, accomplished look on his face.

"That, and the new job? Consider your debt paid. Don't expect nothin' else, alien. Night." and with that, Bernard went through his door, shut and locked it behind him and was gone.

Megamind was still standing there, unable to move, for a good couple of minutes as his brain was trying to make sense of what on Earth had just happened. While the date hadn't been his best, he had certainly faced a few troubling truths at the hands of the man known as Bernard, the man who he had pretended to be. He finally gave off a shudder and smacked his lips together before chewing on his bottom one, promptly turned and made his way back to the limo and ordered the driver to take him to up town where Roxanne Ritchi lived.

~*~

"I don't get it, why does she want this guy dead?" Roxanne asked from her place curled up on the couch, watching Desperate Housewives with Minion who was sitting on a chair besides the couch.

"Because he killed her sister. But now that he's out of jail she's sure that he'll be dead within six months because she's got friends on the street." Minion explained.

"Ohhhhh..." she nodded, and was about to ask another question when the door to her apartment was suddenly opened and she turned her head to see who it was even though she had a fairly good idea who it would be.

There stood Megamind carrying his black jacket over one arm and his tie hanging from his hand. He looked well and truly tired, and maybe just a little bit traumatised. She guessed anyone who went through a whole couple of hours in Bernard's company would have the same expression embedded in their features.

"Good evening Sir!" Minion greeted, showing what a brilliant actor he was beneath the gills for he gave nothing away.

"Have a good time?" Roxanne asked, but the calm in her posture was soon over come with concern as Megamind promptly dropped his jacket and tie on the ground and made a beeline towards her. Crap. Had he recognized her eyes in the disguise? Did he know she had spilt drinks on Bernard? But then why would he care? Why should be worried about this? "Megamind?" she asked, "What is it?" she asked.

"Minion, go home." Megamind said as he began reaching over the couch to Roxanne, grasping at her shoulders.

"Yes Sir, Sir. See you tomorrow Miss Ritchi!" the fish knew better then to ask questions when his boss had that look on his face. He was up and out the door in seconds flat, even before Roxanne could ask Megamind what was going on and even before turning off the television as the gentle music of the Desperate Housewives credits began to play.

"How was-" she started, but found one of his fingers pressed to her lips.

She stared at him, and Megamind stared back at her, before he climbed over the couch and got on top of her, his lightweight barely registering as he straddled her shapely hips with his skinny legs, and gently caressed her face with his hands. "I just want you to know I love you, Roxanne. More then any alien could ever possibly love a woman." was all he said before he kissed her in that certain way that made Roxanne's toes curl. She sighed into the kiss softly, lifting her arms and wrapped them around his thin, slender shoulders.

What had brought this on? Was he drunk? She could taste some alcohol on his lips as he kissed her before his mouth trailed down her jaw line and to her neck. She sighed softly again as she felt him gently nip here and there, never too hard.

No doubt she would ask him about how things went, despite knowing just a little, about how his date went later since she certainly hadn't anticipated him coming home like this... but only once she wasn't so very occupied. 

The End


End file.
